LOVE IS LIFE, LIFE IS LOVE

Looking For Love

My parents often quarreled when I was a child. It happened so frequently that it made me question what love was all about. Don’t couples marry because they are in love? Why the constant quarrelling then? My young mind was baffled and I couldn’t understand why.

Growing up, I stopped asking that question.

Funnily, I ended up marrying early in life but it wasn’t done out of love. I can still recall the week before the wedding when I asked myself again, “Am I doing this because of love?” My best friend asked, “Do you love him?” I was stunned because I realized I couldn’t answer her question. I couldn’t comprehend what love was.

That’s when the childhood question surfaced again, “What is love? How do I know if this is love?”

Without an answer, I proceeded with the wedding, hoping to live happily ever after, only to find myself signing divorce papers some years later. It broke my heart and I remember feeling unloved, insecure and abandoned from that episode. However, deep down I knew that the fault did not lie entirely with my ex- husband.

What Is Love?

Whenever I see couples display affection and whisper sweet nothings to each other, I always wondered how it felt like. I was constantly figuring that out, hoping to get at least an inkling of what “love” is. What is it, really?

I had never felt love as a child or adult. If I had it, I never recognized it. My relationships were all about me feeling needed and wanted, and that I could be the source of happiness for my partner.

Love was still out of reach. Where, what, how?

Inner Love

I was like on an unending quest to find this thing called “love” that kept giving me the slip. I began to grow more aware of myself and started to broaden my horizons about love through reading and watching relationship videos, having deep conversations with others who have experienced loving relationships and practicing self- reflection to understand myself better.

Once, I attended a meditation where everyone cried as they felt the awe of Divine love. After the session, they eagerly took turns to share their experiences. But I didn’t feel anything at all, so what could I share? I felt so disappointed with myself and asked the facilitator, “How is it that everyone can feel love but me? How can I feel love?” Right there and then, he told me to close my eyes and proceeded to facilitate a short one-on-one meditation with me.

And for the very first time in my life, I experienced “love”.

It was a profound experience that was filled with the sense of liberation and freedom. It felt as though nothing else in the world mattered anymore as the feeling of love brought on the indescribable magnificence of an ultimate emotion and being.

I asked if this was what love felt like between couples, between parents and their children or between friends. He replied, “Love, regardless of who, should not have an agenda. Love is not to fill up our lack within. It should not come with any expectation or condition. Love just is.”

For a few days after that, I was obsessed with this feeling as I wanted to be with “love” and I would make every attempt to recall the feeling of that particular meditation session. As days went by, my hold on the feeling of “love” started to wane. Eventually I could not feel the love I had experienced during that meditation session anymore. I could not bring it back.

My search for love then changed to “How can I feel love without having to go into meditation?”

Love vs Lust

The relationships I had were all one-sided. In a way, I’m blessed as my partners would openly express their love for me. I, on the other hand, would always struggle to return those declarations of love. “Fake it till you make it”, so I thought, and I would then struggle to say the same 3 words to them and feel guilty after that.

So that had me thinking, well then what is the purpose of being in a relationship if it’s just to fulfill our physical needs? Is such a relationship enough? Is it sustainable?

In one relationship, right after we bonded intimately, my partner asked, “Did you feel it? The energy swirling between you and me in the form of an infinity symbol?” I was shocked and couldn’t manage a reply as I did not feel it at all.

He went on to describe how it was something that he had never experienced before as his entire body felt like it was being electrified in a beautiful and loving way. It was as though we were united as one and he could feel my entire energetic being merging with him.

He gave a phenomenal description of our union. Of course, I was elated but at the same time, frustrated that I couldn’t get to experience and feel what my then partner felt. And I thought, perhaps I had separated the act of “loving” from “love”.

That’s Love

Years later, I had a fascinating realization about the above experience when a girlfriend asked how one can have an intimate relationship with a person without loving that person. I gave many different answers from different perspectives but the questions kept coming.

Not convinced nor satisfied with my answers, she asked further, “Did you even like him then?” I thought for a bit and instantly responded, “Of course I did! That’s why we were dating. I liked the person that he is, the way he thinks, his personality and character.”

She continued “But that’s also love, isn’t it? Why do you need to categorize love?” I was caught off guard with her last question and it stuck in my head. That question had me ruminating on the definition of love and I took time to reflect deeper within.

All my life, I had been searching for love and wanting to understand what love was. In all my past relationships, love seemed to elude me. Why couldn’t I feel love?

As I looked and examined within, I began to realize that I had been categorizing “love” in a box of its own when in fact, love should not be put into any box at all. I had unwittingly pigeonholed love and therefore limiting it in my unconscious mind. It dawned upon me that love is in every little thing that I experience in my life every day.

Life Is Love

The Universe always arranges everything in the most appropriate timing for all, and that includes me. As if to confirm my new awareness and realization, I had another a-ha moment soon after – synchronicity was at work.

I was in another meditation session, this time facilitated by my mentor and in that session, suddenly everything became crystal clear. Not only is love in all the small experiences of our daily life, love also pops up in all directions and situations. I saw love in every aspect of my life including past events and situations, words uttered or refrained, actions taken or withheld – pleasant or otherwise.

That session added another layer of depth to my understanding of love and opened up further my consciousness to the realm of love.

In that new awareness, I felt the liberation that I hadn’t felt in a long while. I was overjoyed! My entire being was bursting at the seams with energy, brimming… with love.

Love Is Here And Now

In the days after, still in an exalted frenzy, I was inspired to write this article and title it Love Is Life, Life Is Love.

Love is Life: Everything we do is out of love. Every little thing, no matter which aspect of life, makes up our life journey. From my mom preparing my favorite Chinese dessert, or she asking if I’ve had my dinner when I come home from work, to my dad cooking a vegetarian meal specially for me. Me as a mother anxious over my children or me gently brushing my lover’s hair with my fingers. One of the simplest acts of love that I get to experience regularly is when a girlfriend texts me from time to time asking whether I’m well.

Life is Love: Life is never a straight line. We have ups and downs, successes and challenges, pains and joys, disappointments and celebrations. All of these are love. And when you see them for what they truly are, you will realize and understand how love can resolve anything and everything. Life itself is love. The wind on a hot day, a cup of coffee served, having enough money in our purse, enjoying a warm shower on a cold day, a smile to brighten someone’s day, the things we say to inspire others, the quarrels and fights, a divorce, the heartbreaks, the traffic when we are rushing to somewhere… they all teach us to see love in every situation of life.

These wonderful realizations and understanding of love have somehow opened the window of gratitude for me to appreciate every moment in my life, which before had posed a big challenge for me. Divine timing had made all this happen for me and for that, I am also in gratitude.

As I allow myself to be grateful and see the grace in all events, incidents and situations that have happened or are happening in my life, I am immediately filled and overcome with the immense feeling of love for the people around me.

These are the answers to the “love” that I had asked about since I was a child. In my heart now are feelings of joy, love and gratitude. I cannot thank my mentors enough for all these enriching experiences and for patiently guiding me to understand what love is — Sky Kho and Low Sheau Shy.

If you, like me, have been constantly asking, “What is love?” here’s a beautiful quote from Kryon to all of you seeking the meaning of love.

LOVE is quiet.
LOVE has no agenda.
LOVE does not puff itself up. LOVE has the wisdom to use the other three perfectly!
~ Kryon
(From Book 5: The Journey Home)