THE SANCTUARY CALLED FAMILY
Volume 4

11 April, Dear Diary,

Today, I looked at the to-do list on my calendar and found myself smiling. A while back, I would have felt my heart beat faster, and the blood pounding in my ears, as I most likely would not have completed anything yet! OK, ok, so it does still happen, occasionally, I admit.

But I also used to ask myself why I felt that I had to try to be the best at everything (is that a good thing or not?) and why I had to fill up my days with as many activities, as possible. Perhaps it was so that I would feel that I had made the most of the day and did not waste any precious time. You see I am an adult child of an alcoholic. Yes and we have a need to be perfect.

It used to be so important that I dress a certain way, went to the right university, married at the right time, got the right kind of job, things had to be just perfect (as in, approved by everyone else). And you know what, because everything had to be perfect, I would procrastinate, because I would never be ready to start something or finish it (it was never good enough yet!).

Yes, many of us do procrastinate, and it does sometimes feel as if all of us come from dysfunctional families, doesn’t it? Well, that is because no one and thus no family is perfect.

Troubled Family Systems

There are a lot of ups and downs in a family as we go through several stages in a family life cycle. Each stage is also affected by a whole lot of things such as individual interests and life cycles of each family member. All families have issues and conflicts; although some are worse than others, it is how they handle these that matter.

When someone experiences trauma and pain from their parents’ or a family member’s actions, words and attitudes, they grow up changed, missing essential parts of parenting that prepare them for adulthood and they then assume unnatural roles in their families. These roles help to rebalance their family and allow it to survive.

For example, if one had an irresponsible parent that person would assume the responsibility and play hero so that the family can proceed “like normal” (and thus everyone is happy). One might resort to behaviors that help one to cope with this pain and later may even feel compelled to repeat the abuses done unto one on one’s own children. It then becomes ingrained in oneself that these distorted patterns of relating are normal and it becomes difficult to see things differently.

Dr. Janet Kizziar, a renowned American psychologist, characterizes four types of “troubled family systems” –

• the alcoholic or chemically dependent family system,
• the emotionally or psychologically disturbed family system,
• the physically or sexually abusing family system and
• the authoritarian religious fundamentalist or rigidly dogmatic family system.

These families don’t talk about their problems. Their behaviors encourage people to think of some members as more important than others. They don’t have much fun together, resulting in children who later become adults who have unrealistic expectations of themselves (perfectionism); are fearful of taking risks, have unnatural needs for approval or fear abandonment from others or who are over-controlling or act like martyrs, living for others, instead of themselves.

9 June, Dear Diary,

Today, during the course of my work, I attracted a client, Anita* who shared that she was feeling anxious and was unable to sleep as she had recurring nightmares that she will fail in her exam (even though she is a straight A’s student). She started crying when she said that she could not talk to her mother, although she wanted to, about this. Anita’s mother is mentally ill. Anita is often asked to forsake her own feelings to keep the peace so that her mother’s symptoms are not aggravated. However she is afraid of finding avenues to let go of the frustrations that she has suppressed deep inside her as she deems it inappropriate to show too much feelings.

Ben* feels that he is not doing enough for his family and would like help managing his timetable so that he can do so. He shared that he tries to help his mother (his father abandoned the family) as much as he can and yet what he does is never enough or good enough. His mother takes her frustrations of being a single mother out on him by constantly saying that he is useless. Ben is well-liked by his friends and is a good student.

Codependency In Families

These young adults come from dysfunctional families and their situations describe “codependency”, that is, when one family member gives excuses for another member’s (a dependent) behavior and becomes obsessed with that member’s issues and responsibilities.

This continues to the extent that she or he loses interest in her or his own life. Most people are codependent because of the mistaken unconscious idea that self-worth comes from other people. Thus people who are codependent aren’t able to see the consequences of their own actions when they sacrifice for others.

Unresolved patterns of codependency can lead to various disorders such as self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors, alcoholism, and eating disorders. Recovering codependents often feel like a pendulum; they may swing from one extreme of being overly aggressive or excessively selfish to developing a “victim mentality”.

It is not always easy to find the balance. In fact to find the balance one may need to swing from one extreme to the other, to know and experience what is and what is not before coming to an understanding of having a bit of both; that is settling for the middle ground.

I now love myself first. My son would often say, “Mum, I know everything that you do is for my well-being” and I would reply, “Sometimes it is also for my well-being too.” He would respond with, “Your well-being is my well-being, isn’t it?”

Parenting requires a balance between self-sacrifice and prioritizing your own needs. Parents who take care of themselves first are healthier caretakers than those who sacrifice their lives for their children and thus becomes codependent towards their own children. Examples are parents who live their own dreams out by forcing these dreams onto their children, or who are unable to cut the apron strings as they would feel lost without their children depending on them (i.e. “helicopter parents”).

12 September, Dear Diary,

Today, my teenage son accidently broke the souvenir we bought from a very special place and did not apologize. My first reaction if I were to react before responding with love, would be to berate him for being clumsy or uncaring. This is a normal socialized reaction, so I stopped to ask first if he were ok and to enquire what happened. Even when one does shout or scream, it is also important to note that one can always apologize. Love is humble and humbling. Parents who push their adult children away using cruel words because they feel it’s time they cut away the apron strings, or because they need to engage in a power struggle; end up hurting everyone involved. I strongly believe that deep down families love each other and want to forgive one another.

Unconditional Love

Love becomes conditional when it only fulfills the needs of the person giving it and not the person being offered this love. How many times have you heard the saying that a mother’s love is unconditional and yet you also hear a mother berating her child for not following her instructions or acting a certain way and then refusing to talk to the child. A young child’s first love is his or her parent. Give the child a beautiful experience of Love.

I am not encouraging all the parents out there to throw discipline out of the window, neither am I encouraging parents to be “friends” with their children. But I do ask parents to pause when approaching any situation with a child and ask themselves, “Am I about to do what love would want me to do?” or “Will I feel better about the situation after I do this?”

And why would you want to be your child’s “friend”? Parents are parents for special reasons, it is a most honorable job. You are a caretaker for a precious soul reawakening to multitudes of possibilities. Children have their own friends. They need parents who love and care for them even when they make “mistakes”, to teach them to learn from those mistakes and accept the consequences rather than making excuses.

Parents should let children explore, but catch them when they fall – even when the children ignore their advice totally! In fundamentalist, dogmatic or authoritarian families, parents trespass on children’s rights to think for themselves. These children may need to re-empower themselves as adults and develop appropriate boundaries when demands are placed upon them by others as they go through their adult lives.

5 December, Dear Diary,

Today, my husband told me that we should talk more. So we agreed that we would both have to say “No” to some work responsibilities even when it means looking like we are less responsible at work, so that we can spend more time together. You know, it is strange how often you hear people saying that family should come first in all situations but they usually mean their children and parents, as they often do not include their spouses. People often forget that if it were not for the original couple there wouldn’t be a family and this is a very important relationship that also requires nurturing.

The All-Inclusive Family

Healthy families take every member’s needs into consideration. Members care for the growth as well as the welfare of individual members. They are able to spend quality and quantity time together and share their thoughts and feelings. They show appreciation for each other’s natural roles and are able to deal with crises in a positive manner.

Re-Conditioning The Family Through An Awakening

Changing negative conditioning can be done through several ways – counseling, self-affirmations and becoming more self and spiritually aware through attending self-explorative and healing workshops, to name a few. Getting in touch with your Soul, your authentic Self through spiritual awakening is a wonderful, healing experience!

One may live in fear that the dysfunctional member of family may come along and “spoil things for me”. We mustn’t allow anyone to do that. When one’s response to a situation is unexpected and one is in danger of losing control of one’s emotions, one has probably been triggered by an unconscious memory in one’s DNA left over from childhood or a past life. Work with it, don’t shove it away. “I am in full control of my life and can remake it into anything I wish”.

Family Is The Sanctuary

Now when I look at my calendar and wonder if I should give up on certain activities to make life “easier” for myself, I remind myself that the people I do these activities and share my passions with have become like family, in fact they are family. How  can you quit on family?

Family is forever. Even when I am alone, they are always there in some part of me. Now, all my families, the one I come from, the ones I joined, the ones I help create; affirm what I now know, that I am a valuable part of the Universe and I have an important part to play. I have a contract to complete. More than that, family is my sanctuary, my sacred shrine and my spiritual path.

* Names have been changed and stories modified to protect the confidentiality of the individuals involved.