HOW DEPRESSION SAVED MY LIFE
A Picture-Perfect Life
My life seemed wonderful on the outside but on the inside it was a different story. It was filled with a deep need to be loved, loads of insecurity and unsettled desires. And although engaged to someone who appeared to be “perfect”, I had dreams of escaping the gilded cage.
Then one day, I planned my escape.
This event took place some years ago. I was in a European city, fresh out of management training and thrown headlong into a vast future filled with possibilities. It was there that I met S* – one of my soul mates whom I fell head over heels for. Although ethically incorrect our love grew deeper by the day.
I Deserved Better
My colleagues and life coach, K*, kept insisting that I deserved more. I had untapped potential and I was destined for leadership. He showed me that what I always thought impossible wasn’t so. I could achieve greater heights. He insisted that I was “settling” instead of rising up to more of who I could be.
Previously in Malaysia, I was a normal young woman who was engaged to be married, worked with a financial institution, and lived a normal life all planned out perfectly. But, in that faraway city I became a popular leader and fell in love with a man who showed me that I could be more than what I thought I could be.
“Who am I? What am I meant to be? Who am I supposed to be? What do I want? Where am I to go?” were the questions that I asked myself repeatedly during those lost days.
The Start Of The Downward Spiral
When I returned home to Malaysia, I thought deeply about my next course of action. I could stay engaged, then marry and remain trapped. My heart and soul, that part of me which I was not yet acquainted with, suddenly burst into life! No, I could NOT settle, they insisted. I could not choose a monotonous life and marry someone I didn’t really love. I realized I wanted to “be married” more than wanting to “be married to the right person”.
That was why I did the unthinkable – I canceled the wedding 3 months before the big day.
Soon after, I was shunned by people I thought I knew, including some whom I thought were my friends and would understand me. Surprisingly, my parents supported my decision although no one else did. Not welcomed anywhere, I threw myself at S*. I was more insecure than ever and I thought I could find happiness with him.
A year later, burdened by my emotions and trouble, S* left me too.
My world turned dark. I sank into deep depression. I couldn’t even drag myself out of bed. Nobody saw my pain. I tried to hide myself away from the cruel world. A husk of my former self, tears became my best friends.
At my lowest point, even two lorazepam failed to help me sleep. In between, I took a Xanax to numb the pain. I couldn’t remember where I was or whom I met during those difficult months of my life a year later. My world revolved around alcohol and medication.
“If only K* and S* can see me now. What a leader, huh?”
I whispered to myself at night.
How My Depression Saved Me
In November that same year, I decided “enough is enough” and Googled for “meditation” in the area I lived. At that time, I told the Universe I wouldn’t drive more than 10 minutes away from my home to meditate.
The very first result that showed up in the search was a center which is located only 3 km away from my home. Talk about synchronicity! I turned up at its doors one November day and met two persons who would later play very significant roles in my life, Sky Kho and Master Umesh Nandwani.
I still remember that day clearly, with me standing at the door. When Sky asked me, “Are you okay?”, I burst into an explosion of tears. It was that very moment that his genuine caring and energy opened up my heart, and this allowed my healing to finally begin.
The Appropriateness Of All
Over the following months, my learning deepened. I understood that the Universe and my Higher Self had arranged for this contract between me and other souls to learn about true love. I had a beautiful contract with S* and my ex-fiancé that had led me onto this path to discover the Divine being within me.
My soul had planned these series of events, especially my depression, to lead me on a soul journey to discover my True Self. Discovering that I am a soul with a body, instead of a body with a soul was enlightening. Without my “falling in love” with S* and without my ending the engagement, I would have stayed exactly the same.
Some years and six meditation retreats later, I can humbly say I have discovered my inner peace. I have left my well-paying job as a trainer with an international bank and have started to serve humanity on a full-time basis. The center turned out to be not only my saving grace, but my constant rock and anchor. Sky and Master Umesh have given me the space and encouragement to make the huge transformations that I needed in my life.
Today, I don’t regret one bit the difficult journey that I had to go through during that period of my life. If I am to go back in time to change anything, I would not change one single thing.
I believe that everyone has her own journey to make and each has its own difficulties or setbacks. What I want to share with all of you, dear ones, is that there really is a bigger plan in place, although you may not see it now.
Life is such that when one door closes, it is because the Universe wants you to go through another door that will lead you somewhere that’s better for you. And that is the place where you’re meant to truly be. The pains of life are sometimes a teething process.
Without challenges, our lives will be so much emptier, our realizations so much fewer, our growth so much slower.
I am now a full-time Spiritual Corporate Trainer and Life Coach.
If not for my depression, I would not have searched for help.
If not for my depression, I would never have realized my full potential to change people’s lives for the better.
If not for my depression, I would still be trapped in my old recurring patterns.
I am utterly grateful for everything that happened in my life that led me here.
NO blame, NO anger. Just peace and true understanding.
I’M PERFECTLY COMPLETE, JUST THE WAY I AM
My Wish For You
My wish for you, dear ones, is to accept whatever you are going through now with peace. You may be depressed and in darkness now, but the Universe has a bigger plan for you. One day, it may lead you towards your Soul Purpose. I pray you find that light at the end of the tunnel, as did I.
And that is how depression saved my life. Namaste.