FROM BREAKDOWN TO BREAKTHROUGH
Volume 30

The Slow Descent

It was a slow descent into the darkness. I did not understand what was going on at that time. Even though I am in the healthcare industry, I did not realize or truly comprehend that what I was experiencing was depression.

I have always had the tendency to be moody and anxious since I was young, so I was quite familiar with my low moods and instability. I had learned the basics of depression and anxiety medically from my studies, however experiencing depression firsthand felt like a different beast altogether.

The term “Dark Night of the Soul” had not gotten into my vocabulary yet, but that was probably the closest thing to describe what I went through for almost 1½ years from May 2017 until October 2018.

Inside The Pit

By the time I realized what was happening to me, I was already at the pit’s bottom, not knowing how to climb back up. Some days were better, where I could get out of the bed, feed myself and turn on my phone (with a manageable degree of dread). However, most days I would be lying on my bed all day, in the dark, too terrified to turn on my phone and step out of my room, let alone the house.

I tried to sleep as much as possible, willing the days to go away as I braved the blizzard that swirled around my head, obscuring my clarity regarding any thought or feeling. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Every day I prayed to either feel differently or not wake up at all. I was neither living nor dying. It was my personal “Groundhog Day” – to wake up feeling the exact same unexplainable dread and terror without any indication I would feel better that day.

Several times I thought I should take matters into my own hands seeing that my body still survived despite severe neglect. All I did every week was plan when and how I should take my own life; it gave me small comfort to know I only had to endure the struggle for just one more painful week. However, as D-day came and went, I simply could not do it. And the cycle of self-loathing amplified more as I felt I couldn’t even do that right.

I deactivated my social media, and stopped all contact with friends and family. It was as if I had disappeared from this planet. There came an endless flurry of messages which I completely ignored. I shut down entirely and retreated into my personal cocoon.

I did not have it in me to “reassure” everyone that I was fine, because I was not. I felt ashamed that as a health professional I had let myself descend to such levels of mental anguish. Besides, I simply didn’t have the energy nor the capacity to articulate how I was feeling. I was also afraid that if I spoke up, I would become a burden to others.

It Does Not Discriminate

I had always been seen as a bubbly, cheerful and happy-go-lucky person. I had a job with a good and stable income, a healthy and capable body, a loving and supportive family, and an active social circle. I was not what one would consider the poster child for a depressed person.

All my friends and colleagues were shocked when they found out later about what had happened to me. I was the last person they expected to be depressed. But depression does not discriminate – regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, education, socio-economic background or any other factor. If anything, my life’s profile fed more darkness into my mental state as I kept thinking I had no right to be sad or depressed, and felt extremely guilty to be so.

The Slow Ascent

What helped me re-connect to reality and ultimately heal was the unconditional love and amazing patience of my family and friends. Family members were very patient and none took it personally when I went silent and not reply anyone for days and weeks. They always let me know that they were there whenever I was ready to get back to them. In addition to one close and genuinely concerned friend, I also had a couple of other select friends who would gently check in on me from time to time without any pressure on me to get better.

During my “good” days when the storms within weren’t so furious, I began to get out of the house for visits to the close friend’s house. She never expected anything from me and would just let me play with her then 2-year-old daughter whilst she went about her normal busy life.

Instead of seeing a face of sympathy, it was refreshing to see someone’s face light up when they saw me. The little girl didn’t care that I was not a contributing member of the society, she was just happy I was there to play with her. During those playtimes, I saw my presence and existence bringing joy to the child, making that an extremely healing experience for me. When my thoughts at that time were mostly pre-occupied with simply surviving, the time I spent with this beautiful 2-year-old helped me remember what it was like to really laugh and be happy with the simple things in life.

Light Of Hope

A huge breakthrough came when my friend organized a camping trip, which was something I hadn’t done in years. I will never forget the sensation I had the first morning. Waking up to Nature, I felt normal. There was no tightness in the chest, no fluttering butterflies in the stomach, no fog or heaviness in the head, no more sense of impending doom or looming darkness. The world did not look grey, black, and white anymore and I felt something I had not felt for a long, long time – hope.

Thereafter, I became obsessed with camping and did it as often as I could to make sure the breakthrough was not just a one-off happenstance.

Making It Back

After so many camping trips, I slowly re-engaged with the outside world and went back to work at the end of 2018, not as a health practitioner but still in the same industry and within a clinical setting.

At the start, I still had to deal with panic attacks when something did not go right during my shift. However, I learned to manage by being gentle with myself, taking slow deep breaths and allowing the panic to ride instead of trying to fight or resist it. But there was still the lingering darkness inside of me which I feared would re-surface and re-engulf me. That doubt stopped me from seeing patients again as a TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) practitioner. I was not yet prepared to re-live a full life.

Transforming Within

In early 2020, I joined a life transformational program which I thought was just an ordinary meditation retreat. However, that program gave me the most lifechanging and truth-revealing experience I ever had in my life. Post-retreat, I continued to do the work and used the tools given to me, and slowly, I was able to see the bigger purpose of my depression and how it was actually a blessing.

I used to be a people-pleaser, prioritizing others but never honoring what I needed or wanted for myself. I became angry and resentful when my actions and good deeds were not reciprocated.

Most times in the past, I had been a cheerful and easy-going person but I could turn to rage and indifference in a split second. Due to my extreme behavioral swings, I could not believe I was a good person although people might have thought I was. I was rejecting and suppressing those parts of myself which I felt not good about. I lived in fear that one day the “real” me would be exposed and people would abandon me when they saw who I actually was.

During a time of isolation and breakdown, I stripped away everything that didn’t serve my life anymore. I unlearned habits, thoughts and beliefs which were self-destructing and had stunted my personal growth.

Blessings From Depression

My depression has given me many blessings.

Today I am back practicing as a TCM practitioner, specializing in treating anxiety and depression. Because of my own personal experience, I am in the unique position to understand my clients’ conditions and what they’re going through.

I have also re-connected with family and friends and am having much more authentic and meaningful relationships with them. I have become more truthful with myself and others. I please and serve me, first and foremost, because I know by filling my own cup, I will be able to share the love better with others when my cup overflows. It’s a system which allows for win-win and is a lot more sustainable.

Today I know how to set healthy boundaries and how to say no from a place of self-love. I surrender and trust in the flow and process of life, knowing that even when I don’t feel fully in control I am well taken care of, and everything happens for me, and not against me.

I know now that I am not alone and that I am loved and supported in every aspect of my life. I have turned my pain into power so that my burnout episode becomes my breakthrough story.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Phoenix Arises

As a continent that is both very dry and hot, Australia is ravaged by bushfires every year. Indigenous Australians have a tradition of using fire to manage and mitigate the problem, known as controlled burning or prescribed burning. This practice not only reduces the risk of future hazards, but it also allows for the regeneration of native ground cover which is less flammable.

This traditional deliberate burning, done to preserve the balance in the land, gave me an insight into the higher purpose of my burnout and depression. Like the proverbial phoenix, the old me has burned for the new me to emerge from its ashes – authentic, self-loving and powerful!