The Dragonfly And The Phoenix In The Sky

Vol. 24

My Lost Home

I lost my mother a few years ago and ever since then, I’d stopped laughing like I used to. The change was so subtle that I didn’t even notice my lost smile and laughter until much later. I still was socially active, fulfilled at work and enjoying the peace when alone in my own space. But somehow I felt something was missing, and that something was joy.

At the same time, I felt I no longer had a place that I recognized as home. Growing up, I had experienced home as a place where my parents were, where I could return to when I needed love and protection. Having lost Mom, I had lost my home…

The Dragonfly

A couple of months after my mother’s passing, a big red dragonfly sat on my bedroom wall. I had a beautiful flower-print wallpaper and the dragonfly was just quietly sitting there. I wondered how a big dragonfly like that could end up in my room where thick blackout curtains hang, making it virtually impossible for any critter or insect to get in, especially not when we are on the 7th floor of the building.

The dragonfly has been my all-time favourite insect since I was little. For me, this beautiful insect represents joy and freedom. A dragonfly is the only insect that I don’t mind having in my room.

That particular dragonfly on my bedroom wall that night reminded me of Mom… and only she would have known about my love for dragonflies. When I was about to fall asleep in my bed that night, I heard that dragonfly land on my pillow. Gently lifting up my pillow to the window, I watched as the insect flew off into the night. This event is especially memorable for me because of what it represents and I remember it to this day.

Mom

My mother had gone through many surgeries and had suffered much pain before she finally left. I witnessed all that as I had spent a lot of time being with her in those last days. Once, as I was changing the dressing on her wound, she asked me why she had to suffer so much in her life. I could not answer her, because I did not have the answer for her. In that silence, I could feel her and suffered her pain in me.

Trained as a Family Constellation practitioner, I learn that we as children carry our parents’ pain and suffering out of our fidelity and loyalty to them.

Unconsciously, I had not allowed myself to be happy if my parents were not happy. I understood that concept in my mind but somehow, I still could not regain the joy within. There was something deeper.

Healing Female Lineage

I too went through a surgery a year and a half ago. It was a minor surgery but due to complications, I had insomnia for a month which slowed my recovery process. I encountered many emotional challenges throughout my recovery, partly due to bouts of post-surgery depression. Mindful of what I was going through, I allowed the emotions to flow through me and reflected on them as they arose.

The most significant emotion I had felt was helplessness and the feeling of not being supported, especially from male figures in my life. THose who came to visit or help me through that difficult period were mostly women like my aunt and friends. That reminded me of my mother’s life as a housewife with a husband who was hardly around to provide physical and emotional support. Growing up, I watched Mom do everything herself. My father was mostly missing from the house as he spent his time either at this business or at the gambling table.

I saw the same pattern in my maternal grandmother’s life. She too was married to a husband who was never home but out gambling. I then reflected on my past relationships. What I realized was that unconsciously I had repeated my mother’s lineage pattern and attracted men who were either workaholics or unavailable.

Dad

I started learning to receive from Dad during my recovery. He offered me some cash to hire a helper to help me as I wasn’t able to do most things myself such as preparing my food. My first reaction was to decline his offer because I felt I was grown up and working and it would not seem right to take his money. But on second thought, I saw his offer as his way of expressing his love. He couldn’t be there to help me physically but money could bring me the help that he wished to give. So, I said, “Sure Dad, I’ll take your money!”

My relationship with Dad had always been only “okay”; not too good yet not too bad. Hence I felt that there was still room for improvement. As my body healed from the surgery, I took the opportunity to just do that and heal what needed to be healed in our relationship.

Healing Missing Fathers

In Family Constellation, parents are the ‘larger’ figures and it’s appropriate to receive from them. Being able to receive from parents opens us to receive from the Universe. I have learned to be the ‘smaller’ one when with them. By accepting his gift of money, I gave my father back his power as the larger support figure for me.

A part of me loved my father a lot when I was little. But watching my mother suffer, I had judged him. That judgement became more when I took it upon myself to be responsible for my parents’ marriage and their happiness. If only I could step out of that and go back to taking my place as their child, I would be free! If only I could stop interfering and making judgements about him and their marriage. This is merely a concept; it requires strong intention and some inner movement to let go and leave what’s between them, back to them!

My healing journey with my father hasn’t stopped there as there is always more room for improvement in any relationship. Therefore, I continue to explore and read books about healing my relationship with him.

I recently attended a coaching tool training in Bali. Not coincidentally, many of my classmates were also going through their own healing process with their missing fathers = fathers who had died young, who were divorced from the mothers or who left their families.

The Phoenix In The Sky

I got to deepen the connection with my father emotionally during the training by witnessing the others’ healing processes. I got to let go of my Mom’s sadness and the responsibility for her suffering. That was the biggest gift I received apart from the coaching tool I picked up.

At the end of the training, I extended my stay and had my self-time at the hotel gym while my classmates left. I was on the treadmill, looking out at the golf course, when I saw many dragonflies flying about at the green. I was delighted and went out intending to take some pictures of them. As I was chasing one particularly colourful dragonfly with my camera, I clicked a few shots without actually seeing what I was shooting because of the sun’s intense glare.

Later when I scrolled through my pictures at the hotel restaurant, I was surprised to see what I had captured in one of those pictures – a cloud and the sun had together create the shape of a giant phoenix rising into the sky.

The phoenix represents significant transformation. And having the “heart” of the phoenix alight meant that I had regained ‘love’, and that’s where my home is! The colourful dragonfly that I had chased around had led me to take a photo of an image that finally answered the question I had been asking since my mother passed away. Finally, I’d re-discovered my natural joy… to be like a dragonfly – again!