SAYING “NO” WITH LOVE

Volume 7

A strict upbringing made me believe that if I said “yes”, I was being good. A “no” translated into being bad or disobedient. This belief coupled with low self-esteem made me a yes-girl throughout most of my adulthood. All of that changed when I started my spiritual practice some years back. I started to understand why I felt the need to give in to other people’s demands no matter how reluctant I felt. That was a huge revelation. I now find it easier to say “no”.

6 Ways Of Making It Easier To Say “No”

1. You Can’t Please Everyone
No one in this world can be liked, loved or completely accepted by everyone else. Neither do you have control of what others think of you. There will always be cynics, nay-sayers, wet blankets and what-nots waiting to voice their personal opinions. Face it… no matter what you say or do, you can never please everyone.

What matters is that you are in charge of what you think about yourself – how you feel within yourself. It is not about how others feel or react when you say “no”.

2. Love & Accept Yourself As You Are
According to the law of attraction, your thoughts and emotions are reflected through other people and by the situations you attract. When you love, honor and respect yourself, you attract more of these attitudes to yourself from other people. And eventually, you too will also treat others the same way, bringing more mutual love and respect into the world.

Do you feel energized and empowered after you say “no”? This goes back to self-love; saying “no” puts back the value into our own needs and preferences. It’s really up to us to love ourselves no matter what happens on the outside. Empowering means to always bring it all back to ourselves.

3. Sincere People Stay With You Even When You Say “No”
When someone gets upset with you or disagrees with you, the fear of losing their ‘approval’ may creep in. Face your fear with this affirmation – “I love and accept myself just the way I am.” Loving yourself unconditionally means fully accepting the way you are without judgment. Loving yourself fully for what you are and also, for what you are not.

If these people are meant to be a part of your life, they will support and respect your decision and continuously be there for you. Otherwise, they will leave and there is nothing wrong with that as they have already lived out their role they were meant to play in your life. All you need to do is to ensure you grow as a person and keep moving forward with an open heart and sincere intentions.

4. The Choice Is Yours
Always remember that you have a choice in any situation.

Let’s assume that I am invited to hang out at a particular bar by well-meaning friends. Just because I don’t have anything else on and just want to chill out at home, it does not mean I have to join them. As it happens, I do not choose to be at a place filled with cigarette smoke or loud music because such an environment affects my personal energy.

There is no need to explain myself to my friends. With enough self-respect, a simple “Thank you, but I don’t wish to do that” is good enough for me to decline the invitation politely.

Also, I am often told to work up a sweat to keep fit. But there are days when I prefer to stay home, be a couch potato and watch TV. I take full responsibility for my decisions even, if I may be unsure about them sometimes.

I am ready to face all the consequences of my choices. I find it is better to make a clear choice that I am responsible for than to do something I do not want to do. On most occasions, I find that I am glad that I stayed home to rest and recuperate from a hectic week.

5. Be Your Authentic Self
Being spiritual is about constantly facing life with your authentic self. It’s a fact that you cannot control what others think about you. You can only control what you choose to believe about yourself. So make choices in your best interests and your highest good.

Consider that always saying “yes” to others despite our own discomfort eventually makes us resentful and frustrated. We should stop playing the victim as that lowers our vibration. We starve ourselves to feed others, mentally and emotionally, and that is not being authentic and empowering.

6. Say “No” with Love
Always say “no” with a loving attitude. A way to do this is to place your attention on your heart as you say, “I would love to help you but I have already made plans. Thank you for understanding.” or “Let me think about it and I will get back to you tomorrow.” The second is a way to have more time to figure out if going along with the request is something you want to willingly do.

Also, start saying “yes” to yourself more often, that is, to the choices that make your heart sing with joy. With this affirmation of yourself, you will gradually find it easier to say “no” to others.

Persistence Is Key

I cannot say I have successfully said no on every occasion since then. However, today I am way better at it compared with my yes-girl days. I am still not as direct as I wish to be, although I am as honest as I can be in explaining my decisions. Surprisingly, people have been forgiving and they respect my explanations.

My refusals are out of love and respect for myself and are in no way meant to offend. I am fully aware of my own emotions as I say “no”, whether I feel, for example, empowered or guilty. I am looking forward to the day when I can say “no” with love consistently all the time.

I am not perfect, and like all human beings, I am here to learn and grow. The many demands from the people around me are perfect opportunities to realize that I am here to stretch beyond my present limits and grow. It reminds me of our true purpose – to be of service to humanity, in whatever situation we are in, with love.