SACRED CONNECTION
Volume 17

Putting The Child First?

The interesting thing though is that there would not be a family if the two that started it all did not get in some way, involved with each other. And if something were to happen to pull these two apart, the family is usually affected regardless of how big the family is or how old the children are.

Why have we been conditioned to put our relationship with our spouse last? Perhaps our fears of not being in control, of judgments and expectations get in the way? Your spouse is meant to be your life-long partner. Your children will have their own lives to lead. Yes, there are times when a child’s needs come first. But not continually, and surely not at the expense of your spouse.

Is A Marriage Conditional?

Could it be that we have been conditioned to believe that the love of a parent for a child or vice versa is unconditional but not the love between life partners?

Children actually learn a lot more about love when they observe the love  dynamics between their parents, than when they are showered with love themselves by their parents.

The relationship between their parents first and foremost helps children learn about unconditional love, sharing, giving and responsibility for their fellow human beings.

The loving relationship between parents also teaches self-love for children will be able to see from the relationship dynamic that one cannot have a good relationship and respect for another person unless one loves oneself first. Such unconscious, or even conscious, learning helps children become more loving life partners and therefore have happier marriages of their own. Another important point is that if you spend time immersed in marital problems, you have less time to spend with your children.

The Love For Spouse Vs The Love For Child

Marriage by the most common experience is a bond, let’s call that “love”, an attraction, a sense of companionship or togetherness between two individuals.

Perhaps it is because we think that the bond between parent and child is unbreakable (“undivorceable”)? And thus the “love” lasts longer and is more intense. If you were to ask a newly married couple, they would also tell you that their love for each other is intense and they feel complete with the partner of their choice. This person is also a reflection of them and helps them become better  persons. Does this sound familiar?

Has Romance Failed?

Over the years, after both have built a family and coped with the many distractions life throws in one’s path, often couples feel a nagging emptiness, and they search for ways to make it go away. Each side wonders how he or she could have fallen in love with that other person. Each questions if the partner still loves him or her. Or has the partner now become too “different” to even be recognized as the same person whom one married all those years ago?

So couples try and take steps to remedy the situation: they may take a romantic cruise, pick up new hobbies, learn better communication skills, sign up for a counseling program, and what not. But these are temporary measures though.

What Can You Do?

This is why it is important to nurture your relationship with your spouse from the very beginning. Oh yes, you say – we do go out for “date nights”. It is not just about spending superficial time with one another although that may be an important part of your relationship.

When you are together, be truly together, be fully present in your partner’s energy when you spend time with him or her. Be fully immersed sensually with your partner while you are with him or her – see, listen and feel. Don’t analyze but feel the moment with your partner and express your love and appreciation of your partner wholly – physically through loving gestures, mentally through understanding and emotionally through the giving of your love.

Romance is a small part of it, it is a tool to use to make things exciting but don’t confuse the tool with the state of your relationship (i.e. “There is no more romance in our relationship”). If there is a sense of something missing, it definitely goes deeper.

The Sacred Connection

All of us need to have meaning in our lives. And marriage often serves as a huge life purpose. However many people don’t see it this way. Our life partner is the top three most important lessons in our life. Other than our relationship with ourselves and our environment, our relationship with our life partner, is too, sacred.

View your relationship within a sacred framework, a framework that gives meaning to the marriage. The lessons you learn as you serve this life purpose involves growth and healing and being with this other person brings out both the worst as well as the best in you. Your partner mirrors your state of heart and your family’s physical, mental and emotional well-being.

So where your relationship seems to be right now, is where you need to be at the moment in the bigger picture of your life. Reflect back on the story of your relationship together – your history. Review the ups and downs, find out what the special meaning of this journey together is.

You could be surprised at how much you have grown and shared together, this is what makes your relationship special, and to be treasured and nurtured. The magic between you was created, nurtured through the love, the mindfulness and the attention you gave to the relationship and also to each other personally.

Nurturing The Sacred Connection

Although this is a process happening deep within, it needs to be expressed to each other so the other may see it. Yes, perhaps this is when learning communication skills would indeed come in handy or learning about different languages of love (Dr. Gary Chapman). Consistent care keeps away negative feelings or doubts about the relationship. Find ways little or big to show that you care for your partner. Start putting your relationship and your spouse first.

Some of the things you can practice daily include really looking at your partner when you talk to him or her, into his or her eyes, and especially when you are being intimate. Make an effort to take time and focus on one another when you make love. Reconnect physically whenever you are together, touch each other, smile at one another. Hug and kiss, regularly. Meditate together, a gratitude or a hugging meditation. Listen carefully and emphatically when your partner talks to you. Fight fair, take responsibility when you need to. Don’t bring up old issues that have been resolved.

Until The Ball Tips Over

Occasionally, depending on where you are in your relationship, one partner, perhaps the one reading this article may need to start first. The “Father of Family Constellations”, Bert Hellinger believes that when someone deals you something positive or negative, you should give back even more. To get the ball rolling one side has to push harder so that the ball tips over. When it gains momentum, both will be affected and the other partner will start to reciprocate. Have faith, stay positive, be patient and trust for sacred magic to happen as you have a very sacred connection with each other.