Finding The Right Balance In Your Relationship

Vol. 3

‘What is it about relationships that is so special?’, you might ask.
The answer: everything!

Our life is about relationships. After we are born, it’s about our relationships with our parents and siblings. Later on, about our relationships with friends and finally with one of the most significant relationships of all, the relationship with our life partners is the relationship I would like to dig deeper into.

The Systemic Approach In Relationships

There is no right or wrong with the decision to get married. Some of us often hear stories about marriages that end up in divorce and we ask ourselves, ‘Is this how a real relationship is supposed to be like?’ Well, no.

When a couple decides to tie the knot, it should ideally last until the last day of their lives. I haven’t yet met a person who thinks, on their wedding day, ‘If this marriage doesn’t work out, I will just file a divorce.’

I look at relationships from the systemic perspective which originated from Bert Hellinger. He has worked with many couples with relationship issues and many of these involve intimacy in relationships.

Some of the clients are not married but live with their partners and so face a different set of problems as opposed to unmarried couples. Typically Hellinger finds the root causes of relationship issues by asking questions directly to the couple.

Commitment In Relationships

One of the questions Hellinger may ask is, ‘So, you are living with your partner but not marrying him/her? You are still waiting for someone better then, right?’ This is usually followed by a period of silence. Most people would be shocked to hear this question posed to them, and Hellinger would not explain much about it. But the question makes a lot of sense if one is to see the intention behind it.

Not being willing to commit to a marriage may be because we carry a subconscious hope or feeling that there would be someone better ‘out there’. I am not advocating that we should get married on a whim. This is said only to illustrate a different perspective on relationships and how relationships can be trying because of our hidden fears and desires.

It may also be understandable that if someone has gone through a divorce, then the person would naturally cautious about commitment and may not want to jump into another marriage. This does not mean that he or she is not committed to the present relationship.

Love At First Sight

Do you believe in ‘love at first sight’? Have you ever felt it? Did you marry the person with whom you feel in love with, at the first sight?

It may be interesting for you to know what ‘love at first sight’ means. It means that we are looking at the other person and seeing a mirror of ourselves in the other person. In that mirror that is reflected, we see the lessons we aim to learn through each other.

Hellinger puts it in other words: One neurosis looks at another neurosis and says, ‘Let’s work on our neurosis together’. Couples feel an instant attraction because they see in each other what they have in themselves. And they feel that it’s easier to work on those issues together.

True Love – Love At Second Sight

In some cases, ‘love at first sight’ becomes ‘love at second sight’ – mature love. Through commitment and mutual respect the couple grows together learning to love on a different level. This is what TRUE LOVE means.

You may ask, ‘How can I get there? What do I need to do? We quarrel so much that we feel there is more hate than love.’

It is actually quite simple to discover the love again if you are willing. Next time you argue with your partner, pause for a while and look into your partner’s eyes. Just for a moment. You will then realize that you can’t quarrel anymore. When you look into your partner’s eyes – you are looking into his/her soul and at the same time into your own (remember the mirror?). You may just feel again the love that brought the two of you together. Try it out – you will be surprised.

Another tip: Think about the beginning of your relationship – the moment you fell in love. Feel it again, bring this emotion up into your consciousness and look at your partner through this emotion. It will freshen up your relationship, no matter how long you have been together. You can do it every morning when you wake up and look at your still sleeping partner. And you can even whisper into his/her ear, ‘I love you’. Do it a few days in a row and expect miracles to happen.

Balancing The Good Deeds In Relationships

One of the most important things in a relationship is ‘balance’. There must be a balance between giving and taking; otherwise the relationship won’t survive long. In order for love to flow and grow between couples we need to be aware of this balance.

If you partner shows you love in a certain way, for example, gifts or flowers, it is important that you give something back in return. In fact, you can give a little bit more.

Then your partner will see and feel your giving and then he/she will do better to give you even more. And so the relationship energy will always grow in a positive way.

If one person is always giving and the other always taking, the imbalance may eventually cause one of the two to leave. In most cases, the person who takes more will leave because she/he won’t be able to accept the imbalance and her/his own inability to give back.

Balancing The Negative Deeds In Relationships

The same goes for balancing ‘hurtful deeds’. If your partner hurts you in any way, you can counter balance that ‘hurtful deed’ by doing something nice. This will help to rebalance the relationship. You can also forgive your partner, remembering that forgiving also means that you are letting go of any negative feelings you may feel. Forgiving is never approving what he/she did to you – but rather, a willingness to let go and heal yourself.

In a relationship, partners have equal status, if someone starts to feel superior or better than the other, problems will arise. Balance is one of the most profound dynamics in a relationship. I am sure that most people will resonate with this. Sometimes even friendships fall apart because one person gives more than the other.