BIRTHING THE NEW BEAUTIFUL ME
Volume 26

The Ugly Duckling

“When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, ‘What will I be? Will I be pretty, will I be rich?’” ~ Lyrics from the song “Que Sera Sera”

The lyrics reflect how I have always felt about my looks ever since I was young. The words “Will I be pretty?” touched my heart the most. I  remember growing up loving the story “The Ugly Duckling”. I especially loved how the unique and “ugly” duckling, turned into a beautiful swan when she grew older. It nurtured the hope that such a change would also happen for me.

I was labelled a fat girl and all the nasty names related to size that you can think of, since primary school until high school. I was bullied mercilessly by a group of seniors because of my looks. I remember my bosom being ridiculed by my female classmates when I was 12, simply because I was more shapely than the rest of the girls. I started to hunch my shoulders to minimize my “assets” and avoid attention but was sternly reprimanded by my uncle for my bad posture later in high school.

I had never felt comfortable with my body. As an adult, I might seem confident, presenting a positive outlook as much as possible, but deep within me, I nurtured a “low self-esteem seed”, that could not be uprooted so easily.

I’m fat.
I’m ugly.
I’m not pretty enough.
I’m not lady-like enough.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not smart enough.

These were my constant thoughts, statements that played like a broken record at different times on a daily basis. I was never good academically compared with my younger siblings and even with my cousins. I was always the odd one out. This fueled my desire to make extra effort to shine in other areas of my life. I was very active in co-curriculum activities, active in areas where quantitative scores or results could not be used to determine my worth.

All these experiences slowly built a strong protective wall around my heart as I was too afraid to get hurt over again. After graduating from college, I sought success and material wealth to feed the emptiness within me. With event management as my chosen career, I worked day and night without break, chasing after money, reputation, praises and recognition. I wanted to prove the fact I didn’t need to be beautiful to be successful. What I didn’t realize was there was nothing to prove.

One day, I worked with a client who was voluptuous by most accounts. Her beauty radiated brightly and powerfully from within. She smiled with confidence, walking down the aisle with her life partner. That event made me wonder why I couldn’t feel contented and cared so much of how others felt about me. She inspired me to start seeking the true meaning of “beauty”.

A Wake-Up Call

I worked so hard until my body finally collapsed. I was emotionally-drained and I had lost my drive and passion for my work. I felt a serious imbalance in my life from the countless sleepless nights and gastritis that I consistently had.

It was then that I decided to drop everything and start my healing journey. I started by visiting the gym frequently, setting a target to lose those extra pounds. Thinking that once I achieved an ideal weight and ideal outlook, everything would be great again. Little did I know, it wasn’t losing physical weight that I needed. I needed desperately to release the emotional weight from my heart. A journey that started with shaping my outer beauty eventually turned into one to master myself.

Along the way, I attended a program called “Awaken – The Divine You” and it all started from there. It was in that course that I had my very first experience of listening to my wounded heart. Doing that made me realize how much I was rejecting myself.

I wish I’m a boy, not a girl.
I wish I’m thinner.
I wish I’m prettier.
I wish I’m smarter.
I wish I’m not loud.
I wish to speak gently.
I wish ….

I had a long negative “wish list” of all that “I was not”. I could not accept myself for being who I was. One of the exercises which I eventually came to experience was to look into the mirror for 1 minute. But I couldn’t look into my own eyes for more than 10 seconds!

It was a strong message about not liking what I was seeing in myself. It explained why I hardly ever wanted to have my own photograph taken. I couldn’t stand seeing myself in it.

I wept when I realized this. How could a person feel so much hatred towards herself? I had never appreciated my character, nor my physical appearance. I made a decision at that moment to seek the truth, following which the healing began…

The Turning Point

Wearing a bikini was something I would never do as I was ashamed of my body. I was my own worst critic. I felt that I couldn’t wear a bikini as I wasn’t as good looking as the models in magazines. The turning point came when I was on a retreat where all the ladies were encouraged to claim our own unique beauty by walking down the beach in a bikini. It wasn’t coming from an angle where we were asked to flaunt our figure. There was a lot of respect and honor for the feminine side of ourselves.

In our current society, we women have rejected our femininity due to various situations and circumstances. Perhaps, we feel the pressure of constantly having to be strong at work and we forget the grace, softness and gentleness that we were born with. We no longer honor this side of ourselves. And wearing a bikini is usually something, only women do!

I remember that it took a lot of encouragement and support from my retreat mates to decide to honor myself in this way at the beach. I recall feeling so embarrassed, blushing and constantly trying to find a hole to hide myself in, or something to cover myself with.

But a gentle voice from my heart said, “My love, take this opportunity to heal and honor every part of your body that you hate so much. It’s time to love and love all parts and pieces of you now”. It was then, I made a choice to just focus on breathing and allow whatever emotions that needed to be let out do so. I cried but I also felt so much joy within my soul in that unforgettable moment.

Time To Say Goodbye

I took a picture of myself in a bikini again recently and I rejoiced that I felt so comfortable in my own skin. It was an entirely different experience from that retreat. I’m accepting and embracing myself more and more.

It was then I knew. It was the plan that I was given a beautiful journey to experience. A self-love and self-worth journey that I had to claim on my own. All the thoughts that I once endured when I was little, longing to become the beautiful swan, had driven me to seek the true
meaning of “beauty”.

The Universe has been very kind and is constantly reminding me, that I always have a choice. The choice has always been in my hands and is not for others to make. In the past I decided to believe that I wasn’t beautiful. I chose not to see the beauty in me. I allowed others to decide what beauty was.

Today, I decide and choose to see, to feel, every part of me inside and out, as beautiful. The power is within, the confidence is from within. I finally understand the quote from Kayla Itsines (a well-known fitness coach) – “Work out because you love your body, not because you hate it.”

To all of you who are reading this, whether you are a man or a woman, let’s do this together. Look into a mirror and affirm how beautiful and worthy you are, every day. Allow we ourselves to love ourselves endlessly as we are our own best partner in life! See the flaws within  ourselves, with deep gratitude as each flaw has a story behind it. Let us bid goodbye to our old beliefs and allow ourselves to experience life
beautifully. It’s time to march forward to the year 2021 with fewer self-judgments and with a lighter heart. Welcome, 2021!

I dedicate the poem below, to all of us. The magnificent us who were once hurt by judgments or who doubted our own beauty and worthiness.

You are worthy now,
Not when you get that job,
Not when you lose twenty pounds,
Not when people know who you are.
Now.
Simply because you exist.
~ Nina Parker