5 POWERFUL STEPS TO SELF-CONFIDENCE
Volume 4

How Being Compared Erodes Our Confidence

It is often that feeling small comes from past experiences when we were compared against our siblings by parents or with our classmates by teachers. Being judged and told that our efforts were never good enough, no matter how hard we tried, made us feel unworthy.

These disappointments and the sense of “failing” or “not measuring up to” in our then immature minds diminished our confidence in everything we did, and we tend to carry this belief even as adults.

We just need to realize that as human beings, we are continually learning and growing. There is no shame in “failing” and each and everyone is worthy of love and respect.

How To Overcome The Lack Of Confidence

Practice the following steps to start developing your self-confidence. Change may not happen overnight; but practice makes perfect, so practice diligently and feel the magic unfold.

STEP 1 – BE POSITIVE

Being positive is a mindset and a choice. Focus on solutions instead of problems. Replace every negative thought with two positive thoughts. Condition yourself to practice this as a daily habit. Speak positively by using positive words.

Do you notice how we often tend to be discouraged by the people who are closest to us? Stay away from negative friends who always put you down every time you share your dreams and ideas. If they are family members, explain to them why you appreciate their support to enable you to reach your goal with confidence. Do not allow anyone or anything to hold you back from living your life. Surround yourself with positive people who offer you support, encouragement and who bring out the best in you. Positive people help you feel awesome and capable of going through your fears and insecurities.

STEP 2 – CHANGE YOUR IMAGE

Remember how it felt the first time you put on a new dress or a pair of new shoes? How that made you feel as if you were glowing from inside out, feeling confident, beautiful and somewhat… very successful? Recall that feeling and project that emotion daily as you dress up and walk out into the world.

Put on your favorite outfit especially when you need to nail that interview or close that sale. Go the extra mile…style your hair, put on some make-up. The trick is to have your self-confidence shine from within. People who come into contact with your auric field will sense the confidence in you. Remember to accept the compliments you will receive with a cheerful “thank you”.

Your “body language” can go a long way in helping you develop self-confidence. Walk tall, shoulders back and relaxed, chin up and speak slowly and clearly. Always make eye contact with the other person you are communicating with and most importantly, smile at everyone you meet.

A beautiful smile is contagious. A smile promotes reflective behavior and in almost all cases, instantly makes the other person feel good and smile back at you. A genuine happy smile is like sunshine to humanity. It releases “feel good” endorphins and people feel better in both mind and body after smiling. One may not even do it sincerely to begin with, but the gesture will be taken by almost all people to be a friendly one. “Fake it till you make it” as the saying goes. Because it makes people react to you positively, a smile gets you your self-confidence.

STEP 3 – BE COURAGEOUS & BE PERSISTENT

Due to our past experiences of being reprimanded or even punished every time we “failed”, we began to lose our self-esteem and self-worth. From then on, the fear of failing influences our decision to give up before we even try.

We are only human, so know that it’s okay to fall and fail or even be wrong at times. Life is about the “journey” and for many it’s quite a bumpy ride. However, it is how we pick ourselves up again after each “fall” that matters. In a very real way, if we choose to recover from it, falling actually makes us stronger, wiser and most importantly, more confident to face the same issue again and defeat it eventually.

Do you remember “Weeble Wobbles”, the toy that keeps itself upright no matter how you try to push it down? Bounce back from your mistakes because bouncing back is what makes us who we are today. We can all relate to difficult situations which happened to us years ago which we eventually overcame and which we have a good laugh about today. Don’t all those difficulties seem small now that time has passed and we find that we have grown much bigger than those past difficulties?

Be courageous, never give up and never bow to failure. There is always a solution to every problem. There’s nothing that the universe gives you that you can’t handle. Make this your mantra today – “I now take courage to move forward no matter what. I will learn from my past mistakes and never give up”.

A wise spiritual mentor I know said, “Laying a brick a day makes a solid wall in a year”. Take baby steps every day, as long as you move forward.

STEP 4 – FACE YOUR FEAR

Every time you face a challenge, immediately become aware of your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Recognize your insecurity. What makes you uncomfortable, inferior or ashamed of yourself?

For instance, when you are feeling small, unworthy or low in self-esteem, stop what you are doing and reflect. Realize why you are having the feeling. Trace its source (how it started), which usually is a negative or traumatic past experience. Take a few deep breaths to come out of this mental loop of fear and frustration.

After feeling calm, mentally tell yourself “I am not this fear. This is just a memory of it. I acknowledge you and I choose to let you go as you no longer serve me”. Say this to yourself as many times as you wish until you feel the fear or negative feeling dissipate.

This exercise is just a guide to help you realize that you do not need to relive your past fears again and again. At the end of the day, it is really your choice to decide to let a fear go or not. Do not let fear control your life. Take charge and choose not to be a victim but a victor. Fears arise in our lives for us to face them so that ultimately, we get our freedom again when we overcome them.

So, go beyond your fears and discomfort. As we face and conquer each fear, the process expands our understanding and emotional response to the fear situation and this expanded awareness overrides the initial level of fear. You may even realize that the situation wasn’t such a big deal after all! Just like how I failed to get myself to get inside of a car again after my first major accident. But I knew I had to drive again, otherwise I would have to use the public transport for the rest of my life! To overcome my fear of driving, I resorted to first just starting the car engine without moving at all. I did that for a few days after which I progressed to slowly driving for a few blocks around the neighborhood.

Then I drove more and farther until I was confident enough to drive normally again. I now drive like I am behind the wheel of a sports car, or so my friends say! Looking back, I wondered how I could have allowed the fear to control me for even that few short weeks.

STEP 5 – STOP COMPARING

A common belief most of us have is that we are never good enough. We are never satisfied as we are always comparing ourselves with others. But guess what? We will never be perfect. We can only do our best. The 100% effort made with dedication, combined with love and passion, will always be the best we can do. With that, we can truly say, “I’ve done my best and it’s ok because I am proud of myself no matter what the outcome is”.

Trying to be perfect is living in fear. Fear of never being good enough, of being judged or of being wrong. But at most times, it is we who are judging ourselves. Let go of the desire to be perfect. Stop comparing yourself with others. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, taller or richer. We are all different because we are all unique individuals, with different strengths and talents. Focus only on advancing your own goals and dreams.

MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT REGRET

Do not allow the lack of confidence to stop you from moving forward. Take the next brave step!

The popular saying “live life to the fullest” says it all. Spending your days dwelling on a negative past event with regret and self-pity will only put more energy into that event. In reality, that event does not exist anymore. It exists only as a memory in your head that you continuously re-live and remorse over. Start making the choice to be the best you can be with no regret. If you fall, pick yourself up and move forward, but this time wiser and stronger.

A friend once said, “I’d rather sit in a rocking chair in my old age, laugh at myself and proudly tell my life’s stories to my grandchild, than live with regret thinking, ‘what if’…”